The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and
asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his
preference.

“Sure,” he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach,
volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “Heaven is great!”

“Wrong,” said the angel. “That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?”

“Sure!” So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people
were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

“This is Heaven?” asked the Windows programmer.

“Yup,” said the angel.

“Then I’ll take Hell.” Instantly he found himself plunged up to his
neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around
him.

“Where’s the beach? The music? The volleyball?” he screamed frantically
to the angel.

“That was the demo,” she replied as she vanished.

They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as
they do so. Okay, Windows does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows
does that, too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh… Windows does that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with
Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature

So, Windows is !not! a virus

Q: How many Microsoft engineers are needed to screw a light bulb??
A: None! They just change the standard to darkness.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made
no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the
light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another
to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to
say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our
office works fine…”

NAME

BABY - create new process from two parent processes

SYNOPSIS

BABY sex [ name ]

SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS

/usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]

AVAILABILITY

The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-

tem V software installation option. Refer to Installing

SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.

DESCRIPTION

BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server

process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the

system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately

40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require

constant monitering when BABY reaches it’s final stages of execution.

Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating

process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions

the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon

completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active

during the final stages of BABY.

example% BABY -sex m -name fred

OPTIONS

-sex

option indicating type of process created.

-name

process identification to be attaced to the new process.

RESULT

Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process

being created and named. Parent processes then typically

broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their

new status in the system.

BUGS

The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some

time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts

which must be handled by one or more parent.

BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump

in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one

of the parent processes.

The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions

regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.

SEE ALSO

cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)

OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS

gnoops(1)

FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept

responsibility for anything.

NOTES

baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck

completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at

9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing

fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably

come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten

from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to

show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin

in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn’t do

this weekend.

Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?
^ Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what
would I have?
Too many (’s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
% make fire
Make: Don’t know how to make fire. Stop.
% why not?
No match.

% [Where is my brain?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?
Bad substitute.

If Microsoft made toasters …
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small
city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works
with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters…
It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Fisher-Price made toasters …
“Baby’s First Toaster” would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast
the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters …
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters …
Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.

Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters …
They made good toasters in the ’70s, didn’t they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters …
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters …
Their “Personal Toasting Device”, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt.

If The Franklin Mint made toasters …
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters …
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters …
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters …
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a
licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters …
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or
you could by all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toaster …
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of
Ginsu knives with each one.

If the University of Waterloo made toasters …
They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.

If the PQ made toasters …
They wouldn’t want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the
appliances.

—————————————————————

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!”

HelpLine: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”

Customer: “What’s an ignition?”

HelpLine: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine.”

Customer: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?”

—————————————————————

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My car ran fine for a week and now it won’t go anywhere!”

HelpLine: “Is the gas tank empty?”

Customer: “Huh? How do I know?”

HelpLine: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel with a needle
and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle
pointing?”

Customer: “It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”

HelpLine: “It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
the vendor to install it for you.”

Customer: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!”

—————————————————————

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Your cars suck!”

HelpLine: “What’s wrong?”

Customer: “It crashed, that’s what wrong!”

HelpLine: “What were you doing?”

Customer: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal
all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then
it crashed and it won’t start now!

HelpLine: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What
do you expect us to do about it?”

Customer: “I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn’t crash any more!”

—————————————————————

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”

HelpLine: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”

Customer: “How do I work it?”

HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”

Customer: “Do I know how to what?”

HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”

Customer: “I’m not a technical person. I just want to go places
in my car!”